Pregnancy, Parenting, and LGBT+ Support

When you think of expectant parents, what do you picture? A beautiful woman with a wide smile, hands wrapped lovingly around her baby bump, looking adoringly at an equally handsome man who’s got his arms around her? 

Sounds like every single movie, advertisement, or pregnant character in a YA book that you’ve ever heard of, right? This is what pregnancy looks like in the average person’s minds eye. Happy, heterosexual couples ready to welcome their newborn bundle of joy into their family. Even the Birds and the Bees talk starts out “when a man and a woman love each other very much…” - what about if two birds love each other though? Or two bees want to start a family? 

If You Have a Uterus, You (Probably) Can Have a Baby!

One misstep that happens all too often when discussing pregnancy with LGBT+ couples, particularly lesbian couples, is assuming the more feminine presenting partner will automatically carry the baby. This is a heteronormative approach to pregnancy and parenting, and however incorrect, is understandable. For years we’ve been conditioned that the “woman” is the mom and the “man” is the dad. There are plenty of masculine presenting women who decide to carry, and many feminine presenting partners decide they never want to be pregnant. 

Similarly, some transgender men desire to and do become pregnant. In the documentary “Seahorse”, one trans man’s journey into pregnancy and parenthood is captured through interviews and footage showing him struggling with aspects of stopping his hormone therapy in order to become pregnant, something he decided he wanted after he had already transitioned. While this is not possible for everyone who is trans, he was able to conceive and have a healthy, happy baby. 

A good rule to remember when speaking to anyone about anything having to do with someone’s appearance is do not assume. You cannot tell someone’s pregnancy plan simply by how they present in this world. 

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Consider an Alternative to Gender Reveal Parties 

Another overwhelmingly heteronormative trend is the gender reveal party. Pastel pinks and blues everywhere, cute sayings like “baseballs or ballerina shoes?” piped in icing across a cake that reveals a pink or blue center once cut. 

The truth is - no one can tell anyone’s gender by what genitalia they’re born with. Gender reveal parties, while they can be fun and a great opportunity for the parents, are often seen as outdated nowadays. It’s been discovered that gender exists on a spectrum, not in the binary, and as a result a child assigned “man” or “woman” at birth based on their sex may identify later in life as another gender altogether. Some never identify with a gender, remaining gender fluid throughout their life and living with one foot firmly planted in both worlds. 

Here are some fun alternatives to gender reveal parties that you may want to explore. Obviously, it’s ultimately the choice of the parents-to-be, but there are multiple other options that feel more inclusive to those who live outside of the gender binary that are equally as fun and photo-worthy! 

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Pregnancy is Hard on Everyone 

Morning sickness. Acne. Weird cravings. Swollen ankles. These things are uncomfortable to deal with during any pregnancy. But what about when you’ve spent thousands of dollars in order to get that morning sickness, or those swollen ankles came at the price of having to take a daily fertility shot? 

Certainly LGBT+ couples are not the only couples who struggle with fertility or have to undergo procedures such as IUI or IVF in order to conceive. However, if you decide to have a child as an LGBT+ person, there are hidden expenses separate from those that straight couples incur. Sperm, on average, costs roughly $1,000.00 per vial. Each vial is enough to try and get pregnant once. Hiring a surrogate to carry your child can be upwards of $10,000.00 or more. These are things that heterosexual couples take for granted when trying to conceive - every time you have sex, it doesn’t cost you thousands of dollars to do so. 

Just like straight couples, LGBT+ couples experience failed conception attempts and pregnancy loss. While this is certainly a normal statistic among those attempting to become pregnant (about 10-15% of women in the US experience a miscarriage in their first trimester), it often feels more devastating for those in the LGBT+ community. Some only have a finite amount of resources they can tap into in order to try to conceive a child. Some aren’t able to try at all, as there is often a large financial barrier. While adoption agencies are more advanced than they’ve been in previous years, they are still not perfect, and some will not adopt to same-sex couples. It’s yet another right that LGBT+ families have to fight for on a daily basis, just like being allowed to marry each other in the first place. 

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Change Your Language to Include Everyone

There are actions you can take in order to make sure the LGBT+ folks in your life are seen and validated just as they are. Below are a list of simple changes you can make to your daily practice in order to ensure inclusivity and equality are at the forefront:

  • Ask for preferred name and prounouns - and use them! - if you’ve just met someone, make it a practice to ask them their preferred pronouns and offer yours as well. This lets a person who may be afraid to tell you their preferred pronouns know that you are a safe person to express this to. Similarly, adding your preferred pronouns in your email signature opens this safe space up as well!

  • Refer to items such as “feminine products” by a more gender-neutral term - something as simple as the word “feminine” can be seen as exclusion to someone who menstruates but may not identify as feminine (remember - some trans men can and do menstruate!) By utilizing less binary language, you are giving space to present as masculine/male and it’s still okay to menstruate!

  • NEVER Assume! - this goes for gender, sex, pronouns, name, sexual orientation, birth plan, favorite color/food/movie - ask and ask again if you’re not sure. Many people in the LGBT+ community have spent their whole lives feeling unseen, invalidated, and unsure of their place. Make it clear that when they’re in your space, they are in control, and you want to respect what they prefer. If you’re not sure what someone prefers to go by, sticking to a neutral “they/them” is always a safe choice!

  • If you mess up, move on - you will misgender someone. You will say the wrong pronouns. You will assume something that is potentially hurtful to another person. We are all learning and doing the best we can. Making a scene to make an apology does nothing but perpetuate the hurt - if you use the wrong pronoun, correct yourself and move on.

While these actions seem small, to someone who may identify as LGBT+ it can make all the difference. Remember - impact is greater than intent, and these small changes can have a huge impact on those you work with, work for, or love that identify as LGBT+.

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At Beautiful Births and Beyond, we are proud to support all families, all genders, and all parents to be. Our main goal is a happy, healthy birth that is supportive, inclusive, and safe for all involved. We are happy to provide custom birth plans for you and your support team, and are there to support you when the time comes.

Reach out for a consultation today in our Contact section to see how Beautiful Births and Beyond can support you!




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Clothing For All! - Gender Neutral Maternity Clothing

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Pregnancy and Birth During COVID