“Good Enough” Parenting

From the moment you see the positive pregnancy test, thoughts of how you are going to parent begin flooding your brain. Opinions regarding parenting from others begin to overwhelm you as you announce your pregnancy. You spend your entire pregnancy worrying about the type of parent you will be, hoping you will be the “best” or “perfect” parent. You begin asking yourself all of the ways to be the best parent possible. 

What is the best diaper to use? 

What is the best bottle to use? 

What is the best food to feed my child? 

What is the best way to soothe my child? 

What is the best way to teach my child things? 

It can feel like an endless amount of pressure. 

Next thing you know, you are in the thick of parenting. Your child refuses to eat from the so-called “best” bottle, so you choose the one that works best for your baby. The “best” ways to soothe your child are not effective, but the random combination of movements you discovered on Tuesday at 2am are working great, or you discover that the vacuum cleaner you’ve avoided running actually soothes your baby instead of scares them. You are exhausted and frustrated, but in reality, you are doing the best that you can for your child. You are, in fact, being a good-enough parent.

In the 1950s, Donald Winnicott introduced the idea of being a “good-enough” parent. Winnicott’s experience as a pediatrician and psychoanalyst allowed Winnicott to explain to mothers that the societal expectation of being a perfect mother is not attainable, nor sustainable. Instead, he encouraged parents to be “good enough”. 

This style of parenting is based on the foundation that parents are a reliable person to the child and that the child is well-cared for. From that point, anything considered a “failure” by the parent is acceptable in the grand scheme of things. Basically - if you’re meeting your childs baseline needs of safety, security, and love, you’re doing it exactly right. 

It is important to highlight that Winnicott’s introduction of good-enough parenting was not to condone abuse or neglect. It was to allow parents who are loving and consistent with their children to have space for mistakes and forgiveness. Often, parents are their own harshest critics on their parenting skills and abilities. Good-enough parenting allows you a little breathing room for when you aren’t the perfect Pinterest parent society and social media often depict in this day and age.

Positive Impacts on Parents

The endless amounts of pressure to be a perfect parent often results in parents feeling guilty or shameful of their actual parenting, as they were unable to live up to the expectations of perfect parenting. By accepting the good-enough parenting model early on in your parenting adventure, you will be able to focus more on the ways that you are already the best parent you can be, rather than the inability to live up to the unrealistic expectations of perfect parenting.  This reduces the feelings of guilt and shame and increases the feelings of accomplishment and pride. Good-enough parenting provides parents with a space to be gentle and forgiving with themselves when the rest of the world doesn’t. This space for parents to take care of themselves, not only helps the parent's emotional well-being, but the child’s well-being and the parent-child relationship as well.

Good-Enough Attunement

Attunement is the way in which individuals react to another person’s needs. In regards to parenting, attunement is the parent’s ability to be aware of and address their child’s needs in the moment. When thinking about good-enough parenting, a parent is able to attune to their child, but it is not expected that they are able to attune to their child 100% of the time. By witnessing their parents’ attunement skills, the child is able to develop their own attunement skills as well. This allows the child to be capable of attuning to their own needs when their parent is unable to, because the reality is a parent is not going to be able to know what their child needs every moment of every day no matter how hard they try.

This promotes the development of independence and resilience, which is beneficial for the child as they enter the imperfect world. Good-enough parenting provides children with the love and attunement they require from their parents while developing their abilities to do so. This benefits not only the parents and the child but also the quality of their relationship

The next time someone offers advice on how to become the best parent, ask yourself what that means to you. Is your “best parenting” not living up to unrealistic expectations of perfect parenting? If so, perhaps shifting your mindset to the reality that you are doing the best you can within the model of good-enough parenting will take that negative voice out of your head and let you see what an amazing parent you really are.

If you are struggling with feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, or any other array of emotions that come with parenting, know that you are not alone. Reach out to Beautiful Births & Beyond today and let one of our highly experienced, trained, and compassionate doulas work with you through these completely normal, new-parent feelings. We’re here to support you!